Poster: SarahMood: Nauseated
Music: You Fight Me - Breaking Benjamin
Movie: Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas
Book: Tokyo Babylon - CLAMP
X-Posted @ MySpace
Talking is to much. i can't think. i don't want to sleep. Moving hurts everything. Music is becoming painful.
Less than a month. in less than a month i've lost two people i never thought would leave their families, their friends, me. in less than 36 hours i lost a creature i've been begging for since i can't even remember when.
i've tried being secretive in my mourning. Ruben's passing was such a shock i didn't have time to compose myself. Jamie left me feeling numb and i managed until the end of his service last night. At 1 in the morning i broke down when Luna died before we could get her to the emergancy veternary office.
i don't understand how the people i've known for so long can surprise me in such a terrible way. Ruben was always so sickeningly optimistic about everything. He hates manatee's. Tell me, who can honestly say they hate manatee's, of all things? Boys, paradoxes; Ruben had answers for everything, and then some. But why did he have to end that, that brillance that made up everything he was?
Then there are the people that i've know for so long who never change. Jamie seemed to never change. i can still remember betting 20 bucks that he'd never be able to grow facial hair when, the only time i can remember when, the two of us were left alone during gym on the bleachers. Whereas Trey, Robby, Ian and a bunch of other of the old middle school crew moved on to stop talking to me all together, Jamie rarely missed the chance to say hi to me. Sure, there was plenty of Jamie to go around, but he had a heart that matched it. i feel sick when i think of how that same heart and kindness was the same thing to get him killed in the end, but i know thats just the way he was.
Luna was only in my life for 36 hours, but she left such an impression upon me. As weak as she was she seemed so active and alive. Immediately i kept Luna close, putting her in my clevage to keep her warm while i did laundry was an experience. Like all cats Luna didn't enjoy being given a bath, but she was so cute when she meowed because i was washing her. Her eyes were beautiful. After Jamie's service i was glad to have something to cuddle close. Maybe i should have pushed mom harder to take her to the vets before being shooed off to bed, but i know it wouldn't have done any good.
i want death to go away. i want death to go away and ruin someone else's life for a while.