Saturday, July 29
I like that phrase thats the title. I got it from......I dunno, I read it somewhere, I think it was on some girl's binder once.
Firstly, I want to thank all of you. It helps. It really does. And it also helped that I was able to vent it out. Gotta love blogging....too bad its practically becoming illegal...So much for the lovely "Freedom of Speech".
Yeah, so I had the best sleep I've ever had in monthes. Though I still hate I have til wait til around 12 for my window of sleep to be able to open. If I try to go to sleep around 9...ha..It won't happen. Though, I swear to god I heard bells. It freaked me out so much that I wouldn't even roll over or open my eyes, I kept deathly still.
I'm not sure what I expected to see if I had rolled over to try and find the source of the bells but the image from the exorcism of Emily Rose where the bed goes upright and she is like being contorted by this force was just in my mind. The finally stopped after a bit...I guess I should say that the bells weren't like constant, it was like every few what I'm guessing were minutes they'd ring twice.
After that though, not even gunshots could have waken me....though Mum suceeded when she came in and announced that Dad made me some pancakes...He said that they were styled to my liking and I shouldn't have any probelms....yeah I'm kind of picky when it comes to pancakes...the people at IHOP would hate me. Mum and Lauren left to run some errands, I got up an hour later, ate the yummy pancakes then told samantha to start waking up while I was in the shower...She's not a morning person either. Which is why instead of telling her to abruptly get up, I tell her to get started on waking up...
She ate, I checked my stupid MySpace...then Mum came back and we went to see You, Me and Dupree.
Such a good movie, Owen Wilson was goregous as he always is...oh yeah...good acting too.
It funny amazingly...I kinda thought itd suck but thankfully, I was wrong.
AND I learned something.
Your name+ ness= that special something that you'll always have.
Lauren and I lectured dad at lunch to be a better husband for Mum. Compliment her more, Quit correcting her....simple stuff...and then he expects Lauren and I to like tell him when to do it....I swear this man is an idiot. God even if he doesn't love her, he can still be nice...Besides since when is marriage really based on love?...It's more like a mutual agreement thats like "Hey, I think I can stand you the rest of my life...sex isn't bad either...Yeah...this might work...where's a priest?"
Ickk Solane Knowles looks like a man on the cover of that cheerleading movie that went straight to DVD because there isn't anyone worthy in it.
You all start school...like what this wekk? and I'll be all on my lonesome with not a soul to talk to.....least it won't be as bad as last year, I can at least CALL someone here and hang out with them....and there's that stupid cruise that I don't actually want to go on.
Your imagination's running wild
Round your deceptive heart.
This is my crusade
And you're the unreachable star .
-I forgot who that belongs too....It's just playing randomly on my computer.
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Thursday, July 27
Megan couldn't be in a more pissed off mood.
She's got to hear more about Kaitlin.
Kaitlin known as my former best friend, Both born in Indiana and moved to Florida, inseperable til she moved back to Indiana and we celebrated when she moved to Georgia in 6th grade. We had planned to be in each others weddings. Take a cruise after high school together.
But then some of us go on this little path in our lives when they suddenly see through all the other persons bullshit.
Maybe I should give a little bit more information so you know where I'm coming from when I call her a drugged up, cutting fat ass whore.
and that was just me being nice.
As you read before, Kaitlin and I were the best of friends mainly up until 6th grade. Then we began to grow appart. She had become little miss spoiled since her father "inherited" (ha. but I can't actually put this because its the internet and we can never be sure who is reading what we write now can we?) money from the company that he got fired from. So they were in Georgia and then by 7th grade and 8th grade, Kaitlin and I rarely called each other or saw each other for that matter. Now came 9th grade, when all this spoiled child now turned teen began to peek.
She now began to weigh nearly 200 lbs last I heard, not that weight makes anyone evil but it makes people self conscious and sometimes when you're that worried you wear an oversized hoodie nearly an entire year because you are scared shitless of being tormented (oh..whoops that was me) or you wear the tightest clothing you can squeeze your ass into and flop around like a slut (there now that's more like her).
So by late september it seemed, Her mother had "attacked her". Tell me if this makes sense. Her mother is like 4'11 and barely 100 lbs. Kaitlin is nearly 200 and about 5'3 I'd say. Now using common sense this elephant should be able to take on the little fragile gazelle.
The story as I've heard it was Kaitlin was threatening to run away and being all bitchy once again so she attempts to run up the stairs and when she makes it to her room she locks the door.
Her mum -*on outside of door* Open the door!!
K- NO!
H.M- Then I'll open it (not exact quote but she began to take a hammer to the doorknob)
Kaitlin calls the cops
enter the can of worms that has now been opened.
Kaitlin accuses her mom of attacking her and beating her. If anyone should be complaining...its the doorknob.
So her mom can't stay at the house and is in an apartment.
Monthes later, Kaitlin is dealing drugs, getting caught with drunk or drinking at friends homes and she eventually got kicked out of her all girls private school for selling her ritalin.
Then the public schools wouldnt take her.
You know you've fucked up when a public school won't take you in.
And now her mother is home but practically has to worship kaitlin so she doesnt make up any more lies and get her mum in trouble.
So now Kaitlin is cutting herself and blaming her mother.
Her mother is so worn out from everything that she's even suicidal.
She feels like she's let Kaitlin down as a mother according to what my mum said she said.
Oh yea and Kaitlins shrink put her on medication for cutting. KNOWING SHE HAS A DRUG HISTORY!!!
What the hell?!?!
Drugs arent going to get a person to stop cutting
{{or I would have been force feeding them to ariel ages ago!}}
You want to get Kaitlin to stop cutting. TAKE THE FUCKING RAZORS AWAY (maybe her legs will get hairy so she'll wear some clothes that cover those cankles!) TAKE ANYTHING ELSE SHARP OR CAN BE SHARPENED AWAY. if that doesnt work.
Put the child in some god damn handcuffs.
i mentioned that to my mother
who has cut herself before. Believe me thats something you never want to see.
The cuts on your mothers wrist. The person that gave you life, trying to end theirs.
Its fucking scary and it still haunts me.
Anyways
Her response was "But you do get a sense of release from it"
oh well in that case. Next time I get stressed out, I'll put a gun to my head. How's that for a sense of release!
Thankfully to my knowledge, my mother hasn't cut herself in awhile, I still check her arms and sometimes legs to make sure. And thanks to ariel....I take things out of my mothers room so she wont ever be tempted.
She got poker chips from a neighbor......now the sets missing....wonder who removed them?
*sighs* megans kinda worried about posting this. she's not sure if she should.
Megans just tired of death lurking.
Megan misses how it was before. When Kaitlin and I would play Pochontas in the pool,When my parents got along,when college wasn't so near, before anyone I hung out with thought of drugs, sex,and/or alcohol.
But like sarah said.....We all have to grow up.
As a final note....I'd just like to add to anyone who reads this that isn't sarah, kauany, beth or Ariel...Don't take a lot of what I say too seriously...I'm just a 15 yr old ranting.
"Love is watching someone die, so whose gunna watch you die?" -Death Cab For Cutie
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No time for a real post just yet, but i do have an some good news.
i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Just kidding :D
IT IS DONE.
A Day in the Life of...
And it only consumed less than a year of my life ^__^ Now i can do useful things like emailing Ariel our old RP and posting rantastic blog entries!
... once i get home!
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Tuesday, July 25
As a lame intro I'm sorry for writing all this stuff on here. School hasn't started so I can't write it in my journal which is now uber spiffy looking.or now I'm stuck rambling on this which i'm sure none of you enjoy listening to the same depressing crap that issues from my head each day. So now that I'm done apologizing I guess I'll get on with it. You can just skip over this entry if you wish.
~sigh~ Thats pretty much what I feel like. I don't feel like doing anything. So I eat. Even when I'm not hungry. I don't really feel like eating unless I'm about to pass out from hunger. Its just not worth the effort. And paranoia. Ugh. As so as I sign on to AIM I'm afraid to click on anyones name. Afraid to say hi. Cause I don't think that they want to say Hi back. I feel like no one wants to talk to me and I'm bothering them. My social skills have dropped to a bare minimum and I really just wanna lock myself in my room.. If my room had a bathroom microwave and comp. possibly a tv but its not necesary. I don't want to go anywhere unless its the movies and even then its this huge effort to go outside. And even in this weird state of nothingness I have this massive ball of emotions tucked inside of me. Having to bite my lips just short of drawing blood just to stop myself from blowing a gasket and attacking people. I just want to be able to leap from my perch and close my hands around the neck. And squeeze with all that I possess. Or to be able to actually face a knife again. And dig it deep. I used a knife before but it stung so bad but only for a short period so i just said screw it. But I want to be able to see my blood. To feel a cut drip blood down my arm or leg or something. Or to feel like I have a purpose. The quote from Crouching Tiger hidden dragon pretty much shows how much of a purpose I serve "Like many things, I am nothing." I just dont know. My mental health has been steadily decreasing and I know things are going wrong. I'm not blissfully ignorant to whats wrong with me. Though I wish I was cause it would make life so much more easier. I'm tired of being around people yet I want to go to school so that I can be around people. I'm such a loser and its annoying. I know that my pessimism probably pisses people off to an extreme amount which is why I feel really bad for posting this entry on this site...Maybe I should've just done it on xanga where no one goes anymore. I know you poeple don't want to hear from me because nothing interesting happens to me. Nothing spiffy or cool or worth hearing about. All that I ever have to contriubute to this site is a manically depressive list of words. So once again I apologize. Once again a entry that had a slight cause and direction has now been scattered off into many directions. I'm sorry i can't keep things going in a general direction. Which brings me to another point. Those words seem to just be spewing from my mouth to a point at which they are no longer meaningful. "I'm sorry" If I had a nickel for everytime I've said that i would be rich. I mean. I have no choice at home. I can't say "I'm not sorry" even when I'm not even when I want to tell the truth I can't. Constantly hiding behind a shroud of deception. ~sigh~ You know what. Screw it. This has been a very pointless post except that it helped me vent to someone. Even if no one reads it.
"When it comes to emotions, even great heroes can be idiots."
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on thursday night at the catherdral hunter had my cell and AJ called and hunter was saying stuf like its the worng number and stufff like thatand hes like "look u fcuker give the phone to beth" and then hes been getting annyoed c/ ive been too busy to hang out or my parents have rules i obey and hes liek u dont give a shiz about hanging out with me do you and i was like excuse me and hes got into a fight with me about hanging out and it got really ugly and hes like r u hanging out or not and i asked what compelled him to cuss at my brother and he told me the story over again. he didnt even get that how am i supposed to hang out with him, against my parents will, and rules, especially when he'll get angry like that. then im like no. im not hnaging with you. and hes said ur a waste of my time. so hes not my boy. guess u have to kiss a bunch of frogs until u find your prince.
i dont know why, but im protective of hunter you know. b/c sometimes i may not act like it and sometimes i cant stand him but i love him to death and hes at camp right now and im so bored. i miss him already. the house is so quiet. did i do the right thing? by not hnaging out with him?
i hope so.
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A very happy me just realised that today Gym Class Heroes Album comes out.
So little spiffy ol' me is going to go blow the last bit of money she has on that album. I wish I could get it on vinyl since my dad just gave me this....thing...that I forgot its name. But it plays vinyls. Though the thing is taking up a lot of space. When I was complaining about it, Lauren was like "Well then get an Ipod"
Fuck her. I don't want an Ipod, I want to be able to go into Fye or any other CD store and browse through all that for over an hour, if I get an Ipod then I'm one more person who is taking away jobs from not just the CD store employees but the people in the factories that package the CDs in those plastic cases I always end up stepping on, the people that print out the little booklets that go inside that have the lyrics, and then the MARKETING COMPANIES!
See!!!
But anyways, I can't wait to have the CD in my CD player and listen to possibly the only indie hip hop music that I can stand.
We're also going to H&M. *grins*
Though its not like I really need more clothes but I want them so I guess its better that I blow my money on clothing than something like drugs, alcohol, hookers.
See I'm a good kid.
I'm very hyper right now
So I'm going to go and buy that CD.
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Sunday, July 23
well. i have a lot to say. first of all. about my youth group. i read yall's comments and i love you all. and yes. all of them are in my yotuh group and most of them said that stuff. mainly the girls. and mikey. but some who were my friends didnt but then again its not like they didnt tell them to stop. anyways. im okay now about that. i hate drama. And what im not looking forward to is dealing with marrisa bullshiz and dj's friends bothering me all the time. b/c now thery know what i loook like and omg. anywyas.
i came down to casa de mi abuelos. and we went over to tia marga y tio glenn's house and their baby niece celia and her parents had come up from miami. aunt rita is cuban so she has a very hispanic family. and celia's name could have been cecelia(which means like patron of music or something like that.) that bay is adorable. she litarlly loved me and she let me hold her and she's just starting walking and she climbed all over me and she sticks her tongue out and she loves music and absolutely loves dancing and shes such a diva. omg im in love with that little baby. shes so cute. so cute. she didnt want to let me go either. OMG LOVEd her. okay ill stop now.
yesterday i went shopping with grandma and went to all of her stores like belks and JC Penny (no tax AND remodeling sale meanign in my section 2 for 1 on everyything! with no tax either! amazing.) i got a new pair of jeans and i got like 5 shirts(one i think ill have to let ariel borrow since its pirates of the carribbean. wearing that for my id picture) and 2 new sofies. black and red. and my grandma made me larges in all of them and im like grandma i wear M. she was saying that itll shrink in the wash. and then her definition of cute isnt my defintion and she wouldnt let me get this beautiful black and white shirt withe criss cross down the back and this other red jacket type shirt b/c idk why.
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