As a lame intro I'm sorry for writing all this stuff on here. School hasn't started so I can't write it in my journal which is now uber spiffy looking.or now I'm stuck rambling on this which i'm sure none of you enjoy listening to the same depressing crap that issues from my head each day. So now that I'm done apologizing I guess I'll get on with it. You can just skip over this entry if you wish.
~sigh~ Thats pretty much what I feel like. I don't feel like doing anything. So I eat. Even when I'm not hungry. I don't really feel like eating unless I'm about to pass out from hunger. Its just not worth the effort. And paranoia. Ugh. As so as I sign on to AIM I'm afraid to click on anyones name. Afraid to say hi. Cause I don't think that they want to say Hi back. I feel like no one wants to talk to me and I'm bothering them. My social skills have dropped to a bare minimum and I really just wanna lock myself in my room.. If my room had a bathroom microwave and comp. possibly a tv but its not necesary. I don't want to go anywhere unless its the movies and even then its this huge effort to go outside. And even in this weird state of nothingness I have this massive ball of emotions tucked inside of me. Having to bite my lips just short of drawing blood just to stop myself from blowing a gasket and attacking people. I just want to be able to leap from my perch and close my hands around the neck. And squeeze with all that I possess. Or to be able to actually face a knife again. And dig it deep. I used a knife before but it stung so bad but only for a short period so i just said screw it. But I want to be able to see my blood. To feel a cut drip blood down my arm or leg or something. Or to feel like I have a purpose. The quote from Crouching Tiger hidden dragon pretty much shows how much of a purpose I serve "Like many things, I am nothing." I just dont know. My mental health has been steadily decreasing and I know things are going wrong. I'm not blissfully ignorant to whats wrong with me. Though I wish I was cause it would make life so much more easier. I'm tired of being around people yet I want to go to school so that I can be around people. I'm such a loser and its annoying. I know that my pessimism probably pisses people off to an extreme amount which is why I feel really bad for posting this entry on this site...Maybe I should've just done it on xanga where no one goes anymore. I know you poeple don't want to hear from me because nothing interesting happens to me. Nothing spiffy or cool or worth hearing about. All that I ever have to contriubute to this site is a manically depressive list of words. So once again I apologize. Once again a entry that had a slight cause and direction has now been scattered off into many directions. I'm sorry i can't keep things going in a general direction. Which brings me to another point. Those words seem to just be spewing from my mouth to a point at which they are no longer meaningful. "I'm sorry" If I had a nickel for everytime I've said that i would be rich. I mean. I have no choice at home. I can't say "I'm not sorry" even when I'm not even when I want to tell the truth I can't. Constantly hiding behind a shroud of deception. ~sigh~ You know what. Screw it. This has been a very pointless post except that it helped me vent to someone. Even if no one reads it.
"When it comes to emotions, even great heroes can be idiots."
