Listen to the Beat

Poster: Sarah
Mood: Nauseated
Music: You Fight Me - Breaking Benjamin
Movie: Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas
Book: Tokyo Babylon - CLAMP
X-Posted @ MySpace

Por siempre.

Talking is to much. i can't think. i don't want to sleep. Moving hurts everything. Music is becoming painful.

Less than a month. in less than a month i've lost two people i never thought would leave their families, their friends, me. in less than 36 hours i lost a creature i've been begging for since i can't even remember when.

i've tried being secretive in my mourning. Ruben's passing was such a shock i didn't have time to compose myself. Jamie left me feeling numb and i managed until the end of his service last night. At 1 in the morning i broke down when Luna died before we could get her to the emergancy veternary office.

i don't understand how the people i've known for so long can surprise me in such a terrible way. Ruben was always so sickeningly optimistic about everything. He hates manatee's. Tell me, who can honestly say they hate manatee's, of all things? Boys, paradoxes; Ruben had answers for everything, and then some. But why did he have to end that, that brillance that made up everything he was?

Then there are the people that i've know for so long who never change. Jamie seemed to never change. i can still remember betting 20 bucks that he'd never be able to grow facial hair when, the only time i can remember when, the two of us were left alone during gym on the bleachers. Whereas Trey, Robby, Ian and a bunch of other of the old middle school crew moved on to stop talking to me all together, Jamie rarely missed the chance to say hi to me. Sure, there was plenty of Jamie to go around, but he had a heart that matched it. i feel sick when i think of how that same heart and kindness was the same thing to get him killed in the end, but i know thats just the way he was.

Luna was only in my life for 36 hours, but she left such an impression upon me. As weak as she was she seemed so active and alive. Immediately i kept Luna close, putting her in my clevage to keep her warm while i did laundry was an experience. Like all cats Luna didn't enjoy being given a bath, but she was so cute when she meowed because i was washing her. Her eyes were beautiful. After Jamie's service i was glad to have something to cuddle close. Maybe i should have pushed mom harder to take her to the vets before being shooed off to bed, but i know it wouldn't have done any good.

i want death to go away. i want death to go away and ruin someone else's life for a while.

1 Listen @ 10:03 PM

Poster: Sarah
Mood: Extreme Cleaner
Music: U + Ur Hand - P!nk
Movie: Disney's Hercules
Book: Tokyo Babylon - CLAMP

So after a very thorough cleaning, I've found some items that do not belong to me. The list is as follows:

Maggie - Lynard Sknard shirt
Katelynn - Al Shirt
Kauany - Switzerland something-or-other green shirt
Sam - NJROTC shirt + some OTHER shirt that makes me think of BioShock
Beth - book

I'm going to forget, but maybe writing it down will help me remember getting them back to you. Not likely. Hopefully I'm not the only one still hanging around and someone else will smack me for forgetting to jog my memory.

The last Kit-Kat bar, such a depressing thought.

I want to go to the beach.

0 Listen @ 10:55 PM

Poster: Sarah
Mood: Contemplating Confusion
Music: What Have You Done? - Within Temptation ft. Keith Caputo
Movie: Transformers
Book: 101 Things Not To Do Before You Die

For one reason or another, I'm finding it very easy to feel used and abused nowa days. Every time I turn around there is someone somewhere saying something about me; I'll spare you all the childish antics in naming names but trust me, its being taken care of.

I'm very angry. I can't say why for sure.

Its a combination of the abuse I feel and about a million other things. My outlet for writing is failing me; thinking to write hurts to much. Talking would make things better but I feel guilty. Every time I get around to opening my mouth to say something to another person and after the words have been spoken I feel bad. I have never felt regret in ever telling Megan ANYTHING, but after pressing the send button this one time I immediately felt like a terrible person.

Where does that leave me? What is so hard to express that I can feel so much angry and hurt and frustration without knowing what it is? If I can't talk and I can't write, then WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

Dancing is always an option. To bad I'm so white it hurts.

0 Listen @ 7:53 PM

"This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend, the end. Of our elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end. No safety or surprise, the end. I'll never look into your eyes...again"

From: A
I suppose I should be waving farewell to good ole Corruption. For it seems that it has died as an entirety. First we loose K but we could still form Mase for Corruption.. But Now.. Minus two important letters and people we are nothing but an empty SEA. So I guess this is goodbye. And I am sad. All the connections that we have are falling apart. The glue that held us together is all but disenengrated. I just wish things could have turned out better. That maybe I should have tried harder. But oh well. This is the end....

"...Beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend, the end. It hurts to set you free, but you'll never follow me. The end of laughter and soft lies."

1 Listen @ 3:33 PM

this'll probably be my last post for awhile
I am so behind in school and I have done so many stupid things.
Myspace and cell phones
are amazing things to contact me on

I just have to figure some things out like what I am going to do and who my real friends are.
you know, gettting things, like friends and frienemies, in order will help.

I have to straighten some things out with my parents and I have to just change.

Welcome to the funderful time of reinventing your life for the better

I'll see how well this goes over

wish me luck

xoxo
megan

1 Listen @ 10:36 PM