every girl in my youth group malkes all these sexual comments to me about how i want to get wet and refering to me as a dog and talkign trash about me. i cant stand it! i mean just b/c im tight with all the guys doesnt mean im easy! i know i shouldnt let it get to me but even the guys do it. and it makes me feel like everyones against me. and ive felt like that way too many times. i didnt liek it when stephanie was like that or when ashely was. and i know that certain ppl will read this and i really didnt like what happened in 7th grade. i hated it. in 6th grade i cried every day b/c the only friends that were ever nivce to me steph made me not be friends with them. it just really gets to me now. i keep trying to say i dont care but i do b/c i cant rsut anybody with anything anymore. the only person i really trusted was megan and shes not even here anymore. i go through hell with those girls and then moving to fl and everyone being against me again and really i was just trying to change myself b/c i didnt want to be that girl again. but i guess u cant hide from who u are. 8th grade was ao wonderful and then BOOM. hell hath no fury. became the worst three years of my life. OH and elementary school wasnt so bad but i was an outcast. everybody just didnt like me. i dont know why. i dodnt know why that had to happen. why its still happening! it just hurt me. this year was basically a year of healing and i cried so much. but seriosuly i was so tramatized by those girls that i havent healed form it. and when i dated alex. all of you (in BT) were so against him. and had so much negative stuff to say about me and him EVEN AFTER I BORKE IT OFF. i mean what was with that!and about that. alex was into some stuff i was into and just b/c he was lazy and wasnt up to ur standards didnt mean i couldnt like him. i still dont know why kauany kicked me. more than once. but off of alex.
somtimes. i still kinda wish i was in PA. with stephanie and ashley. stephanie had control over me and i was nothing. she'd never have my back. always telling em what to do. and id do it. nice one second and then she hated me. ashley was my best and only friend since 3rd grade and stephasnie cam in and stole her and it was the wrost year of my life. stephanie was one u couldnt trust. i wasnt safe. i could even talk to her about it without it being turned against me. and i seriously think it would have been even worse if i diodnt have music, art or drama. id be worse off.
i thought i could put them and PA behind me. 7th grade and that stuff behind me, the oyster shucker and that darned CW story behind me. but i cant. sometimes i think i dont want to.idk what i want. GOD i hate florida. i just want to go home. i just want my old room back and my house and tubu and whitefoot and my old summers and 4ths of julys and my old life back. i miss it so so so so much.i just miss everything. thats waht it boils down to. im grieveing it. so terribly that its too much. u know me. i cant let go of stuff and it adds up. its not about grudges or anything i just dont want to let go. god i need to stop crying. i need a break.
im out
byeas
